Monday, December 16, 2013

Birth Mother Bond?

I have been mulling over this post for months now. 
I can never seem to get the point across with my words. They're never expressive enough. Never coming together the way I need them to. So, today, I decided I'm just going to do it and get it over with.

Just over 10 years ago I walked into my first "Group".  It was intimidating, nerve racking, and helpful. I saw women who had placed months ago, years ago, weeks ago.  I was invited to go out to get a little treat after one of our meetings, and though I felt absolutely inferior, and that I didn't click at all with anyone there, I went.  Those 4 girls were soon to be the women I've stayed in contact with through this entire process. Though we don't see each other a lot, think along the lines of years and years, they are still there for me, still supportive, loving, and down right inspiring.  

I have always enjoyed going to these groups. The Birth Parent/Expectant Mother support groups held by LDS Family Services. And I went for a long time because I NEEDED to go. I needed to share my grief, I needed to hear of others grief to know I wasn't the only one. Then it turned into going because I LOVED those girls, I hoped they would learn something from me. I hoped they would know that life can go on, and that you can succeed and flourish in life after placement, or single parenting.  I went because...


I have felt the desire/need to share my story, or to even just be an advocate and not share. 

The thing is... There's something missing, or something that eats at me and kind of tears me down.  That "Birth Mother Bond".  Its supposed to be there, or at least I thought it was supposed to be there. I thought that I could walk into a room of other women who shared that special gift we had, and we would click. They would love me, I would love them, and life would be wonderful.  Now, do not get me backwards here. I have met many amazing Birth Mothers who I have amazing relationships with, and many amazing Birth Mothers who though we don't "click" have stayed friends, to support and love each other and its never awkward.  But there are more that make me uncomfortable than there are that I click with.

I hate to admit it, but just like in any other circle in the world, there are cliques in Adoption as well.  Does it suck, YES IT STINKING DOES.   There are the "rich" ones, the "poor" ones, the "emo" ones, the "weird" ones, and so on.  Do I think those titles shouldn't matter, yes.  Just like in the real life living working world, I don't think your "title" should matter.  But, Its not all sunshine and daisies.  

Its been hard, attending the group where I currently  live.  I feel like an outcast, like what I dreamed of doing doesn't matter, and isn't welcome.   I feel like a burden rather than a look at how life CAN BE BETTER in the future.  Its hard going there, when you try to connect with people, to support and love them, and get shut down.  I honestly feel like I'm that newbie again. That one that no one wants to talk to.   Its dumb, and I shouldn't feel that way, but its how I feel.  

Sometimes I want to walk away, and quit sharing. But then that doesn't feel right either.  I want every Birth Parent, Expectant Parent, to have someone.  Weather they click as "best buddies", or just as friends that can love and support each other continually.   I want to be a help for people who want to know my story, or know why I chose Adoption.  I don't want to be there to tell anyone "THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO."  Because its not always the case.  But I want to be there to give a hand to someone.  Whether they are placing, parenting, or still don't have a dang clue.   

I think,  and again  I THINK I THINK I THINK,  me, no one else. I think that we all need to support and love each other. NO one adoption story is exactly the same, but we have all been through it.  I have witnessed the ache, because of a closed adoption.  I have witnessed the ache, because a birth parent hasn't seen that baby since placement.  I have found that even though my story may be better than another, doesn't change what I can do when I love, listen, and care for someone who needs it.   


I met with a fellow Birth parent for the first time last week.  It was a little weird, but I say that's because it was the first time we'd met.  Then I was called a "fan", or maybe I wasn't called that, but that is what I took it as, and CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG. I thought... hmmm... I didn't think I would say I was a "fan".  I would say I'm a Fan of The R House. I am a fan of the Agape Project, and the women involved there. I am a Fan of Brave Love.  I was a Fan of this woman, but I thought we had past that moment not to long ago.  It was a little hard walking away from that and feeling the disconnect.  It doesn't change how I feel about what she does, what she says, or who she is.  She is amazing, she is an advocate, an amazing speaker, voice of truth, and so much more. I just would have hoped for something more since we are together, supporting the same page, like I do the other people on that page. 
 
 But it isn't how it always ends up. And I suppose its not what I can count on or expect from anyone.  
I can hold my hand out there, and let them know I am here to be another voice, friend, advocate, birth parent, and so son, but its their choice weather to "click".  Its not making it easier. But maybe its all I can do.   And maybe I need to take a step back and see what I want from all of this.  What do I need to do, and want to do about my story, and my support system?  
 
Do any other Birth Parents feel this way?  Am a total boob and nutcase for thinking this way?  I think I just need to get over it and move past it... Quit being a baby right?  Ya, probably.  
 

 


Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Sunshiny Award Nominees

So I gladly and happily nominate:



QUESTIONS:
1  what is your favorite movie?
2  twerking.... you wanna try it don't ya?
3  what do you "hoard"?
4  what is your ALL TIME go to song?
5  Your favorite memory from High School?
6  if you could nix one thing from your "hygenic" routine, what would it be? 
(im going to say... MY HAIR... can it just be perfect)
7.  Favorite Drink
8.  What is your favorite quote?
9.  Dolly Parton... meet her... or kill her?
10.  Do the words "I just need to vent" mean good or bad or laugh?
11.  Sushi... YEA or NAE>

A Late Hello Sunshine

This is how on top of things I am/was in the month of November. So much that I didn't even know, until 5 minutes ago, that I was nominated for my first ever BLOG AWARD!  Bow chicka bow wow!  I know, totally rockin' right?!  I was surprised, and thought... gosh i need to blog more then:)  

so here you are, THANK YOU, Kristen, for the nomination! 

The Rules for the The Sunshine Award: 
-Proudly post your sunshiney new award
- Answer the 11 questions from the blogger who nominated you
- Nominate 11 wonderful bloggers
- Write 11 questions for them to answer
- Let the nominated blogger know you have nominated them - See more at: http://joshandkrisloveadoption.blogspot.com/2013/11/sunshine-on-my-shoulder.html#sthash.ByBY0LUk.dpuf

The Rules for the The Sunshine Award: 
-Proudly post your sunshiney new award
- Answer the 11 questions from the blogger who nominated you
- Nominate 11 wonderful bloggers
- Write 11 questions for them to answer
- Let the nominated blogger know you have nominated them - See more at: http://joshandkrisloveadoption.blogspot.com/2013/11/sunshine-on-my-shoulder.html#sthash.ByBY0LUk.dpuf


The Rules for the Sunshine Award:
~ Proudly post your sunshiny new award
~ Answer the 11 questions from the blogger who nominated you
~ Nominate 11 wonderful bloggers
~ Write 11 questions for them to answer
~ Let the nominated blogger know you have nominated them

Kristens ????s for me

1. What is the best advice you've ever gotten?  
                   Pray.  Prayer has truly healed me, and allowed me peace, forgiveness, and faith.

2. What is your first childhood memory?
                         I can't be clear as to my first memory. but I'll tell you one of my favorites. My parents house was a 2 level, with a big deck on the upper level.  Summer after summer, we would jump off the deck to the trampoline below. Sprinklers going, sun shining. Ah those were the days.  Next, winter after winter of the same thing, except in snow and snowsuits and coats. I can't imagine using sprinklers then:)
 
3. If you could choose another time in history to live, when would it be?
                    That's a toss up, I love the hats and dresses, and music of the 40's and 50's. But I LOVE the bustles and such from the cowboy days:)

4. What is the last book you read and what was it about?
          Hearing the Voice of the Lord, by Gerald N. Lund. It is an incredible book on personal revelation, and listening to the spirit, the voice of the Lord, and understanding if it is You, or Him.
 
5. How did you meet your significant other?
                We must have met numerous times, he was friends with my cousin. But I really "met" him, the week I moved to Southern Utah. I was hanging out with another boy who would be leaving for the summer. He told me I could hang out with him till he got back.... dun dun dun... he got back and I was done for.
 
6.  Whats the best way to get on your good side?
             Bring me a good book.... and a Pepsi... and we are golden:)
 
7. Whats your favorite thing to do on a Saturday morning?
           Seriously... y'all will think I'm crazy... but I LOVE doing yard work. Its become lots easier to get started on to since the Little's are getting a bit bigger, and i live in an incredible neighborhood!!!! 
 
8. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
           Right now... Arizona. I know, super lame but i have ALWAYS loved AZ, I can remember it as far back as being a tiny 12 year old:).  Other than AZ, I'd love to live in Ireland.  The green... the accents;)
 
9. What has been your favorite "adoption moment" so far?
                   It has nothing to do with my own adoption. I has to do with being involved in helping a fellow Birth Momma, find her adoptive family. I knew them both, and it was crazy how it just came together. I would LOVE to be involved in helping another family find their Angel Birth Mom and Angel baby!
 
10. What would your family pet say to you if they could talk?
                 My poor kids... no pets here.. maybe someday.. my dog would be like, "you, kind master man, needs to listen to master lady and let me snuggle her and the Little's inside."
 
11. what is the air speed velocity of a laden swallow?
              Lets be honest... I totally chuckled at this, out loud, for real life, at my ghetto desk right now!  I have no idea... I'll google it and see what he says...  OH MY HEAVENS HOLY GRAIL!!!! I am so proud that this was #1 that came up on google. and now... Kristen you might be my new favorite person ever:)





The Rules for the The Sunshine Award: 
-Proudly post your sunshiney new award
- Answer the 11 questions from the blogger who nominated you
- Nominate 11 wonderful bloggers
- Write 11 questions for them to answer
- Let the nominated blogger know you have nominated them - See more at: http://joshandkrisloveadoption.blogspot.com/2013/11/sunshine-on-my-shoulder.html#sthash.ByBY0LUk.dpuf

Monday, November 25, 2013

H is for Hope

Hope is continuing to see the light. Ashley put it best when she said that the hope she felt going through one trial makes meeting the next one a bit easier. It makes for hoping the pain will lessen, and be lesser.  (not her exact words but you get the picture. 

I am not a good "hope-er" I always seem to fall to the "its never going to get better", "I'm going to die", "God hates me".  Seriously its kinda ridiculous. Until my little Lou said, "Mommy, its OK, It will get better. Give me a hug."  And then, only then, do I have hope.  She is my daily dose of hope.  Should have named her that:)

I have hope, that I'll get a hug from E one day. And that I'll have the relationship with his parents that I hope to have. I love them all dearly. Its amazing, the hope that grows, and gains momentum in short moments.  I had hope they would love him, and they do. And I love them!  Oh how I love my S, and my R! Best parents on the planet!



Sunday, November 24, 2013

G is for Guilt

“Maybe there's more we all could have done, but we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time.” ― Veronica Roth, Divergent

Oh my Ashley, seriously people you should follow her and listen to her, and read about her just because of her strength, and raw honesty.  She is a HUGE inspiration to my and to so many other Birth Mothers. She is amazing and I am so grateful that she shared her story with me!

Guilt... I feel guilty, still, for hurting my parents. I feel guilty for hurting my missionary, his family, our friends, my friends. I feel guilty for getting involved and letting myself do things I'd never done, and promised never to do.  I can't wake up tomorrow and start over. Even though I want to all to often.  This is where I am.  

I feel guilty for almost NEVER being on time with gifts for E and his family!  I am the. worst. ever. 

 I feel bad for disappointing so many. Even people I didn't know that wouldn't let their kids hang out with me because of what I'd done. That's the worst feeling ever... having the parents talk about you. I want to scream out every time, " I WAS NOT A SLUT. I DIDN'T SLEEP AROUND. I SLEPT WITH ONE PERSON".  Its always a part of my story... "I wasn't a "promiscuous" girl. I didn't have sex with anyone and everyone. I had sex with ONE person. " so on and so on.  ugh, its the worst.  Will I ever not feel guilty? 

Its like I'm trapped. daily.  Stuck in a rut. Does it get better? Can it get better?


Saturday, November 23, 2013

F is for Faith

"The key is no matter how small the spark, remember that it is there! Feed it, strengthen it, watch it grow and don't let go of it when times get tough, HOLD ON knuckle white tight!" - Ashley Mitchell, BIB

I had faith during my pregnancy with E. I had to have faith to place him into arms of almost complete strangers and believe that they were supposed to be his parents. I was supposed to have faith that they'd take care of him. I did, and I still do. 
I did not have faith in myself following placement. Even during I didn't have faith that I was worth a dang. Even the BF was out with other girls while I was pregnant. What would someone want with me after having a child?  I didn't have faith in the male population either. Not that I was any better. I had a lot to get over and deal with, and move forward with. I had to grow and to find out who I was/am.  

Its changing. I still struggle with faith. BIG TIME.  WHY?  I have been contemplating on writing a letter for a YEAR. Why can't I just do it. I don't have faith in the response. its horrible... its the worst feeling.

I had a friend tell me, not to long ago, that Faith & Fear can't be in the same place at the same time. I believe they can, but not the same kind of faith and fear. I had faith that E was where he needed to be, where he was/is supposed to be. I was scared that I would break.  The kind of Faith and Fear that i am talking about with my friend, is STRONG CRAZY KICK YOU IN THE BUTT fear. This is crazy that I feel it now, but didn't then.  Maybe I had more faith?  But either way, its true. My heart can not hold Faith, if I let Fear reside in it.  I need to trust in my Father in Heaven. I pray often when I get that feeling in my chest. I usually get it calmed down shortly after.    Either way... I need to have faith. Not Fear.




Friday, November 22, 2013

E is for Extras

Aaah the Cool Whip Diet
one of the best things I've seen. its funny, but it makes sense. DUH.

Lets just say... watch it, and put your own thoughts into it!


What am I filling my time with?  I am going to get down on me every second, because I compare myself to most everyone in the "world".   I am not the best mommy, even though I want to be. I don't do all this crafty, cool mom stuff... fail I know. I try to read to my kids daily, I should do it for sure every second of the day. I try to be outside with them, but then i start thinking... if I was a good mom I would do this... and this... and this... like they do.
 If I was a good Birth Mom they would want more of this... or more of that. Id be more on the "in" If I was a good Birth Mom I'd be more proactive it getting the gifts and letters, and other stuff out to E, to his parents, to his brother and sister.  

All i can do is fill my time RIGHT. Less of some things, more of others.  I want to do better. I will do better.

 the extras

bunch of extras

Thursday, November 21, 2013

D is for Decisions

Decisions Decisions.

I remember so many nights, trying to make an official decision. I was in limbo with no real light coming in from anywhere. I was standing in a room... trying to find the switch.  I never really thought about it, being in limbo, being stuck in a state of denial.  I wasn't in denial. I was in denial. I wasn't in denial about being pregnant, I was FULLY AWARE that I had a bump protruding from my stomach. And I was fully aware of the little being moving inside me.  
I WAS in denial that anything needed to be done, or talked about, or prepared for this little life.  I don't remember if the BF and I talked about our options very much. I don't remember if the BF and I ever talked about what the other wanted.  I was in denial that this little guy, was just... there. 
I knew what I needed to do, but i didn't know how to admit it. This was HUGE HUGE HUGE. The HUGEST(yes i know not a real word) thing i'd ever come to. What in the world was a 18 year old girl supposed to do?  Not graduated, still a TEENAGER, not married, in a toxic relationship... the list grew and grew.
I had to made a decision based on what I knew to be true at the time. AND I needed to make a decision based on what was best for little buddy and not me.  But, why did I never ask?  Why didn't he ever ask me? More to add to clarity:)

And, besides, I am THE. ABSOLUTE. WORST. decision maker ever!  I hate making decisions. I'll walk around the store with something in my had and then take it back as im about to checkout. or I buy it and take it back.  I can't even make lunch... its kinda lame. So bad, I had to REDO my "decisions opening page" because I hated it BWAHAHAHA  yes. Winner Winner folks:)


Decisions page one.   - which do you choose? the A, K, Q, or J?

Decision page 2.
"Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful." 
Paul C.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Journaling the Adoption ABC's

 Here is my first ever Journal page. ( well art journal page)
It looks better in real life... but it has improved I hope.  I already wrote a little about acceptance. though, even weeks later, it can still be added to.

 Here is the Boundaries opening page.  I love watercolor(fyi)

CLARITY

C is for CLARITY

"We need to remember that we chose what we did, at the time that we did, because of the knowledge that we had, the pro-con lists and our best emotional judgment. - ASHLEY MITCHELL, BIB."

I initially wrote the lyrics for "Clarity" by John Mayer.
mostly for this part:

"By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on"

In this moment, I don't have a real problem with the 'clarity' of my adoption. I know why my choice was to place that little boy. I know why I had to do it. I know why I needed to do it. It was based on what knowledge I had at the time.  And what I thought was best. Who knew where I would be the following year, where his Birth Father and I would be. We were so toxic.  BOTH of us were. 

I have FULL CLARITY and peace on my decision to place a child for adoption. I am at peace with that. Though, there are so many other aspects of those days, ten years ago, and even a fewer more recent, that need clarity. I need to look and see what it is, and why it is. 


Wednesday, November 6, 2013

B Is For Boundaries

"Know the boundaries beyond which you will not allow trampling or trespassing." Elizabeth S.

Not only did I imagine Boundaries applying to the relationship between Birth Parents and Adoptive parents, which are important, but what about the boundaries I set for me?

Do I allow others to trample on my story. Do I continue to try to let others in, giving chance after chance hoping they'll come around and LOVE him/me/them.  Do I take sever care of my story, and those involved?

I am an open book, in most cases. I have had to learn to be careful of what I share. But when it comes to adoption, its hard to keep my mouth shut. Its hard not to tell of a story that not only broke my heart, but built it.  Its hard not to share something that made me Strong, Wise, Hopeful.  How can you not share something that taught you the most?  To share those you love, because HELLO, those parents of his are utterly my most, absolute, favorite people on this planet. Truly.  

But, what I need to look at more closely, are those around me. It made my heart ache, ya know, as if you got a cut on your finger and it just aches with pain no matter the pressure/bandaging.  It hurts, still, that there are some that are proud of the way they treated me. That there are those who still feel as if he and his family are something that are just easily shrugged off and forgotten, because he was placed.  Does that make him any less of what was mine, because I placed?  I didn't place because I didn't want him. Didn't love him. Didn't care for him. I placed him because he deserved the very best chance. He deserved everything I ever wanted for him.  I couldn't give that to him. BUT, he is still mine. He is mine in a way he isn't theirs. But he is also THEIRS in a way he isn't mine.  I AM OK WITH THAT. What matters in those few sentences most though... is that THEY ARE ALL MINE. I love each and every member of that family to the depths of my soul.  I love each birth parent that allowed them to become a family.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE them.  And me hurting, because of a lack of support or knowledge, or forgetfulness, is something that I need to be protected from.  


"Too often we do not set boundaries for ourselves and for others. We worry so much about hurting those around us but really, at the end of the day, if we don't like ourselves why do we care if others like us?" - Ashley Mitchell - BIB

I have come to learn with these moments. That boundaries need to be set. Not only by me just deciding to do so, but they need to be verbally heard and told why.  Someday, I HOPE, those who need to be separated from my story, will WANT to be a part of it.  For now, its OK that they aren't.  Its called ACCEPTANCE:) I am working hard to accept the things I can not change.

Did it tear my heart and soul to bits hearing "well i think i want to meet her more because she was in our lives for those few years."  Holy my Moses it did. Why isn't he as special?  Why doesn't she think he is as special?  Am I wrong for feeling so strongly about him?  That's where boundaries need to be set. And that is where I need to VERBALIZE, Its not OK to downplay, or to make me feel as if he is less, because he was only ours for a few days.   Because he will still be a part of me, and I want him and his family to always be a part of my life. They are incredible, why would I not want to surround myself with INCREDIBLE people? 

So set boundaries, for yourself, for others, verbally and non verbally.  It is respect to yourself. To your story.

- Jena
 

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

A is for ACCEPTANCE

I honestly came into this class thinking it would just be another avenue to write down feelings and emotions. The same feelings and emotions that I've had for the last 10 years. I wasn't sure that I could improve, heal, or grow more than I already have. I thought it would be fun to do something during this most favorite month of mine.  Boy have I been turned upside down and inside out.  

How incredible it is to sit down, and read over and over, her lesson for the day. I usually start out just reading it a couple times when its been posted. Ponder and think throughout the day, and then journal before bed. Its been 3 days... and I may have to buy a second journal for this thing! 

There is so much I never thought of during my last 10 years of post placement, post pregnancy, post Birth Father life. ACCEPTANCE... of things more than just what was... but what IS. Things I need to accept now. Things that, if I don't want to accept them, and hope to change them, that I need to step up and make those changes.  

No more excuses. No more what if? Or, how come? Or, Why me. Accept those choices I made. Because, ultimately, I was the one who chose. I was the one in charge of myself and that child I carried. And NOW, I am in charge of protecting it all. 

If you have been touched by adoption, whether it be a birth parent, a birth grandparent, a birth aunt/uncle. If you are an adoptive mom or dad. Or even an Adoptee. This class could be so beneficial. It truly has made me decide to take some steps to change what I can, and accept what I cant. And only, in time, can those things that i have no choice but to accept, can those hopefully change. And if they don't, ITS OK!

Move forward, take chances, and put yourself out there. Put your emotions out there. Be vulnerable, even if you don't share your story, or your details, or anything with anyone, it can only help! 

So come take the class, its gong to be happening again it... i think... april or may... or maybe its march:)  
head to Blessings In A Basket, and check it out!!!


- Jena

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Journaling the Adoption ABC's

I have been very lucky to come into contact with some AMAZING people because of my adoption journey.
One such person is Ashley Mitchell, and she is the owner of Blessings in a Basket, and an amazing Birth Mother. She runs an amazing company that has helped SO MANY women!  The thing is, as well, that she is so aware of the many men that are affected by adoption as well. There are some awesome Birth Fathers out there, and I'll shout that out anytime.  I don't know what the relationship/contact is between my own sons Birth Father and his family, but I know if they still have contact, it is wonderful... or at least I hope it is.

Anyway, she has put together, and is hosting a class on Course Craft, and I am so excited to be participating in this amazing program.  I've decided to post some of what we are learning/working through/ experiencing here. She has entitled it, Journaling the Adoption ABC's, and I am so excited to be involved.  I have been a journal keeper since I was a very little girl. So this is something I hope will not only be a fun experience in journaling, but will help to heal more in my own adoption journey.  Healing is never over, and never stops, but its always good to have help.  I also have decided to do the Instagram monthly adoption challenge. I'll also be sharing that here as well, so it is "public" for the time being. 

I'm excited to get on here and have DAILY things to do. I hope I can keep up... I guess the page overhaul will have to wait a while till this awesome THANKFUL month is over.  Plus, its ADOPTION AWARENESS MONTH!!! It really has always been my absolute, most favorite, awesome month ever. It just made it all the better when I became a Birth Mother.

So.  I hope you all enjoy, that its somewhere you can learn, and take a new view on adoption as an  AMAZING thing, that takes you places you never thought possible.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

helped

ok- so being new to this kind of blogging world, im going to be taking another, yes another, step back to set some things up for this here blog. 

I can't seem to find the time to organize what I want to get out of this, or what i should share and so on. 

Therefore, im here, and im going to get some help organizing, preparing, and setting up something cute and new and ORGANIZED. 

You'll finally see some steady posts, guests, etc etc.  so get ready... be patient... again... to my three readers:)

Friday, September 27, 2013

A Moment

I sent on Mr. E's birthday present a couple days ago... and today... im having a moment.  The kind of moment you lose your breath often, and realize how fast time goes. The kind of moment where you watch your own little babies, little children, and realize, you didn't get to see that with him, but he allowed you to see it with them.  

Tomorrow, my angel baby is 10. Tomorrow is the day my life was changed forever, ten years ago.  He is the best thing that could have happened to me at that point in my life. He saved me. His birth, changed me, for the better. It is a blessing. A HUGE blessing, to have been allowed to make my wrong choice, to right. And to have been lucky enough to be trusted in getting him home.

Tomorrow, will be his post. Until then, here is to the moments i'm having today, that are taking my breath away.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

I Get To Be The One

I Get to be The One, by JJ Heller

Well hello.
Little Baby.
Your eyes have never seen the sun.
You should know
Little baby.
That I Am the Lucky One.

I get to be the one to hold your hand.
I get to be the one.
Through Birthdays and broken bones.
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one.

Don't feel alone now. 
Little baby.
Do you hear me singing you a song.
I can't wait to show you
Little baby.
How to crawl
How to walk
How to run

I get to be the one to hold your hand
I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one.

How does someone so small
Hold my heart so tightly 
I don't even know you
I love you completely

I get to be the one to hold your hand
I get to be the one.
Through birthdays and broken bones
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one

I get to be the one to hold your hand 
I get to be the one
Through birthdays and broken bones 
I'll be there to watch you grow
I get to be the one.


I am so lucky, that I get to watch him grow. And though I may not be the one to hold his hand and all that other awesomeness, I get to be the one who gave him it!  I am so glad that R & S get to be "the ones".  I found this song just a couple days ago. I love it.  Its hard not to find a song and tie it into adoption. Many songs have NOTHING to do with it, but heck, they sure fit:).  Life is ever changing and I am hoping to be up and running with new posts, new style, new everything shortly.  To all those amazing Adoptive Parents, Hopeful Adoptive couples, and families.... I am so happy you were chosen to be "the ones."

-Jena

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

And I am FINALLY Back

I feel refreshed. and excited to finally get back to this blog!  Its been a crazy few months. 
So here is a little blurb of an amazing woman, Tamra, who I get to finally meet in real life in a few weeks!
She speaks so eloquently. And I am pretty sure that i've posted this before, oh well.
Go visit Youtube and listen to this amazing woman!!! And i'll be back soon ya'll.


I'm coming up on having been a Birth Mother for 10 years.  I didn't think it would be scary... but it is.
Glad to be back. Glad to continue on. Though, I think a few of the dynamics will change:)

Thanks so much
Jena

Sunday, April 14, 2013

awe mann...

This has not been an intentional loss of blogging in the world of adoption.  Though its been FAR to long, and I've DESPERATELY needed to update this thing, and continue with my story, and the stories of others I met because of this story.... well ... its not gonna be happening for a while.

First I was going to try and make this page all cute and fun and all that awesomeness that i like to pretend that I am. THEN, one amazing blessing after another has come our way and I got to go to Washington for my Loveie Alyssa's wedding. Then to SLC to help a friends and all sorts of other goodness.  The best being our own home FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And though this ooey gooey goodness of having our own house is amazing. I do not have the Internet for the time being :( BOO HOO.  But, alas, unpacking boxes that haven't seen the light of day in 4 years leads us to many many treasures.  Like pictures of my E and his family, 4 years ago!  Its been a while since I've hung pictures and such.

I PROMISE, when I get back, there will be such wholesome goodness on here. Mostly, because we are coming up on little mans TENTH birthday! TEN people 10, tenth, deis(spell check please), its huge, and though NOTHING has been sent... lots has been done each month for this anniversary and birthday of goodness!  OH i love them!

So - brb - asap - and all those other blurbs of letters i don't ever understand!!

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Being part of such an amazing group over at Open Adoption Open Heart makes for very interesting thoughts, feelings, answers, and questions. Some I haven't been asked before, some I have. Some I walk away from wondering, "Wow, I have never heard it worded like that before.".  There are so many moments from OAOH that I could write on here and share what amazing people are part of the Adoption community.  Educating those out there who want to learn more, or those out there who have heard the 'myths'.  

We talk openly about the pain that Birth Mothers, and Adoptive Couples go through. And, regardless of which end you are on, there is a ache no matter the side.  

A fan had a question on the page, and asked about how to, "Get over", her pain.  I wanted to take the time to ponder and listen to the spirit and give the right answer.  (its an open forum so all fans/admins are able to post answers/ask questions) As I began to answer so many thoughts came to my mind...

There have been many times in the last 9 years, that I have WANTED to feel the pain of placement. Not because I want to hurt, but at moments, I want to remember its real.  You grow and heal over TIME, and in TIME you ALMOST forget the pain.  As I sit in groups, speak on panels, sit in on seminars, and watch my amazing group on OAOH; I sometimes wonder if it really happened.  There will come a point, I hope, that us ans Birth Mothers, will find ourselves wanting to feel that moment.   I think that I have had an incredible opportunity to grow and heal. Do I miss him, ABSOLUTELY, but I miss my BABY. This little boy that I get to see now is just that, a Boy; not a baby. The relationship we have now is SO special and so different. He doesn't get to be a memory of an ache. He is the future of Peace, Love, Happiness, Faith, Truth, and so much more.  That day, over here, feeling that hurt was a shock. Though it took me by surprise and took my breath away, even though it hurt... I felt that IT HAPPENED.  I remembered how much I love that little man of ours.  I am SO blessed to have felt that again. I am so blessed that I was able to grow and heal and that the pain isn't there daily. 

Have moments still come of jealousy? Yes, but I don't know that jealousy is even the right word.  I would go along more with... Envy.  (though they probably have so much of the same meaning).  Its a chance for us to grow as a adoption family.  It is a chance to communicate. And more than anything, its a chance that has allowed me to grow.   I crave for the openness of adoptions today. I crave to have seen them and talked to them while I was pregnant. What a blessing Open Adoptions have in healing so many sides of the Adoption Triad!  The luckiest part, since adoption continues to change, so do past adoptions. Those that were closed, are now becoming open. Those that were semi closed, are now fully open. So those pings of envy can cease and the healthy loving relationship with those families can grow even more. 

I am grateful for those pains, and jealousies.  BUT, I truly can't wait for the day that E decides that he isn't shy and gives me my first hug in a LONG time!  I can't wait for that day. I can't wait to feel his little arms around my neck.  How I love that I am his Birth Mother. How I love that I am their child's Tummy mommy:).  I am so lucky to be able to feel their arms around me. To hear their voices when they call.  I love them. Even the little texts, and so many other little things that I love!  

PS. if you are reading this... Ya, sick sick kids= mail hasn't gone out!  BUT, this years is already in the works:)  February 14 will be a intermingling of Christmas and love day.

make your choice - jena

Whats Mine Is Yours.


There is an incredible song called, "whats mine is yours." Its sung by Katherine Nelson and written by her and Deanna Harper. 
It is so true for adoption, and for the loss of a child. I have seen and been involved on both sides!  

over at A Utah Moms Life, there is a giveaway for her CD! Go on and enter, and see if you can win it. Though, I hope I do instead:)


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

exhaustion

there is so much I want to write about, so much i want to say. but tonight i am just too tired. i am so tired i will not take the time to move my pinkie so i can capitalize anything. you're lucky to get some punctuation right now.  i ache to write, to make a difference. i don't feel that i am able to achieve that right now due to the lack of sleep.

my poor babies are NOT doing well with life. being so tired, sick, stuffy, teething, ear aches, and who knows what else. it breaks my heart not being able to take care of them. and i wonder how many couples out there crave to be where i am right now. exhausted.

tonight, i just want to kneel down and pray that more women will choose life. and that more people will hear and choose adoption. so many beautiful people deserve to be exhausted.

for now, that's all i got.

nothing amazing. extraordinary. life altering. nothin. i am just tired. soon, soon, i hope to be back to a regular schedule.

- Jena