Tuesday, December 18, 2012

BE MORE

I remember when I came to a point, just a few years ago, that I felt like I wanted to be "more than just a Birth Mom".  I think my own progression wasn't going where I wanted it to because I was still so angry with some people, and going through more hard things. 
I remember writing a letter to S asking her to know that I think of her more than just as E's Mom. I think of her as my sister. So on and so on. I remember something in the area of, "I hope that our relationship is more than just that of his Birth Mom, and you guys his Birth Parents.". I am not sure where those feelings came from, or whey they stayed.  I am not aware of the moment when I truly felt as if I were done being just his Birth Mom, and being family.  BUT, I do know that with clarity, faith, discussions, and blessings, I have finally gotten over some huge obstacles in my life.

Yesterday I received a Christmas card from S's sister. She is my age, she is GORGEOUS, and she and I have only met once!  She has had some incredibly life changing moments in the last 5-6 years of her life. And she is such an example of sticking with it. Of a beacon of light, of faith, of strength. More and more this family is feeling like... my family:).  I can't explain that in my personal story, how much I LOVED getting that Christmas card.  How much it meant to me. It meant we were more than just a couple people.  

I am so so grateful for those that came into my life because of R, S, E, A, & A:).  Seriously, i know that has to be funny:)(the initial thing).  I am grateful for their parents. I am so grateful for their siblings, for the beauty of their children.  

When we lived in AZ for a couple months, I got to go visit S's parents often.  On one occasion I'd brought along baby Mak, and it just so happened that Annie & her kids were coming over.  I wondered if I should go, as to not make anyone uncomfortable.  I was taken back when Nana said, "Oh you need to stay so T can see the baby!."  I was taken back again as if it was seeing someone I'd missed so much and we just picked up where we left off.  It was so fun meeting her kids. To join more family. 

Adoption is a wonderful world. Adoption has so many positive aspects. I really can only think of one negative... ok 2. One being the bad memories of the BF, and the fact that I pulled an awesome one and got pregnant before I got married. I rule I tell ya:).  I am so grateful for the family that  I have gained. I am pretty sure that I will NEVER go long before I say to someone, post on here, or write in my personal journal how much I love this family and how they mean so much to me.   WHAT A BLESSING.  

I can't wait to send out their cards:)

(no this is not it, the picture is... but the writing and plain-ness is not:))

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Getting back on the Wagon

I am starting to write a "schedule" for myself.  It seems that life creeps up on you and you end up having 2 sick babies for over 2 weeks. Just when Bubba slept through the night(last night), Roo decided she wanted to take a whack at my sanity. Possibly, my children think that I am an insomniac and do not require sleep. I think they try to be funny:).  OK- so either way, it was a blessing for my baby girl to need to be wrapped up and walked around outside. She stared at the Christmas lights that we put up and snuggled close. Who cares if it was 1 in the morning?!

So there we have life with 3 kids. Well, a bit of life.  And I am so grateful. Every time I get mad I end up walking to a corner, grabbing my hair(temped to rip it out), and take a deep breath. At that moment I remember something- or more so - I remember someone(s).  I remember R & S, imagining the nights they wished they were up with a baby. I remembered my sister, trying so desperately to conceive. I remember my friends, waiting and waiting and waiting, for the miracle and love of an expectant mom.  And I remember my sis-in-law, waiting over 10 years to receive the blessing of her own children. 

Where would this world be if it were not for adoption? Where would the world be if it weren't for adoptions through Foster care?  I recently found out a friend of mine and her hubby are hoping to adopt a little girl they have had since she was born; and placed with them through foster care. I could feel the love they have for her. And how they long for her!  I hope it works out!

In the last few days of November, I was able to look back and remember the last 9 years one more. I was able to remember all those wonderful women I met that selflessly gave of their hearts and placed their babies to a loving couples arms.  I remembered those who walked WITH me on my road of adoption. Who have continued to walk with me these 9 years later. I remember all the loving couples I have met who ache for their child to come to them.  And how they have to wait... with no ounce of knowing if/when they will be blessed to see their child. 

adoption is amazing.

Selfless people who choose to place their blood, to give them MORE. To give them everything they want!


So - here is to a do-over in the blog world.  I will do better, I promise.  I will do my best. Don't leave me if I have to go for a while:). 


In good news, I absolutely love the Spirit of CHRISTmas.  Mostly, cause this year truly is all about Christ.  I love it!!!!!!!!!!! 

Sunday, November 11, 2012

November = National Adoption Awareness Month

I didn't know that November was National Adoption Awareness Month until the year AFTER I placed. I was a bit in la la land during that first year. I was still lost and trying to figure out how to be "me" without "him".  Now, I honestly can't wait for November each and every year. 

Not only is November my favorite month, because of my favorite holiday; it is as well because it holds one of the most precious "awareness" months. I will say NAAM rather than typing that long junk out!  

Either way, It is a month full of cold weather, beautiful colors, falling leaves, lots of outside playing, and most of all BEING THANKFUL. Every year I see my FB page updated with many things people are grateful for through out the month. This year, I decided that I am going to write something I am thankful for EVERY DAY for and entire YEAR... maybe I need/will go longer. Why not? I mean, jeez Louise, isn't it great to be grateful always?!  
I am grateful for everything and especially adoption.  

Usually on my annual NAAM post I blog all those who are trying to adopt right now. This year, I just want to put it out there that there are couples on the LDSFS website that have been waiting FOREVER. Now, I know I am LDS, and so its probably biased that they are a great agency, but they are. And if I knew of more agencies specifically I would link to them as well. Since Latter Day Saint Family Services is all I know, that is all I can post. (so please leave links to other GOOD adoption agencies). 

Adoption is amazing, and there are so many families waiting for their babies.  Waiting to be a family, waiting to be found. I can't imagine having to wait. I can't imagine not being able to say FOR SURE, that I was going to be a mom in approximately 9 months. Those going through infertility have such insurmountable strength. I wonder if I would ever be able to stay married with such a trial. Patience, love, understanding. There are so many. And there are so many women who aren't aware of the benefits of adoption. Who are not aware of the OPENNESS of adoption. What a blessing it is in my life!

So today, I am going to say that EVERYONE needs to learn more about open adoption. Learn more about Adoption in general. Learn about your options when you have an unexpected pregnancy.  I love Adoption, I will never stop saying it, sharing it, or promoting it. So move on if you are sick of hearing "I love Adoption":) LOVE YOU

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Chairs

As I was watching a movie the other day, the quote has stuck in my mind, "Every woman has her chair, something she needs to put herself into..." you know, from that movie Phenomenon. I love it, still, and even though I haven't watched it in a million years, I still enjoy it.  

As I heard that, I remembered my own love. I remembered how he ' buys my chairs'. 

The VERY first time that I ever hung out with my husband, we talked for 4 hours. In those 4 hours he asked and I answered every question he had about my story. About my experience with adoption. About my relationship with that angel boy and his AMAZING parents. And, well, he also got to hear a lot about what he didn't ask.  As those few weeks passed, he invited me to meet his family.  We weren't "together", as we had been making very clear to everyone(verbally at least), and they saw through that hand holding.  A little surprised, and nervous, I asked if he had let his family know that I'd had a baby. I wanted to be sure that they knew, that they would be OK with their son being friends with/having a relationship with, a girl who'd had a child already.  That my past wouldn't interfere with their feelings towards me. 

You see, I'd dated/gone out with, many boys. Many of them told me that they didn't want to date anymore because the "kid". I had many flat out say, "I would never date a girl who had a baby.". It broke my heart. I knew that if they weren't OK with that piece of me then we didn't need to waste our time "meeting the family". I know no one is perfect, there are rare occasions where in-laws butt heads ALWAYS. And well, that was a big thing that I felt important for them to know first hand.  

Long story short, we got married(big smile), so they were OK with that big piece of me. 

Ever since then, he has let me do whatever I have wanted to do with my story. Not only that, he has always been supportive of my openness about placing a child for adoption.  Some people have told me I don't need to tell everyone that I had a baby that I placed.  The tones I hear are that of shame. I am not ashamed to be a Birth Mom.  I am absolutely HONORED.  Not only did I get to have the blessing of being able to carry a child, but I was able to give him a life he deserved. I was able to give 2 people a child they so longed for and wanted. I was able to give grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc, another person to love. There are no children more loved in this world that those who have been placed.  

It is also lucky on my end, for so many reasons, but one in particular, is the BIGGER family that I have now, and that my kids get to be a part of..  My daughter calls them Papa and Nana, and knows them and loves them. And my husband and I get to love our kids more than ever!!!!

Every chance I get, I participate in group at the local LDS Family Services, and my Derek supports and encourages me to go. It is AMAZING the women I've met in just a few short weeks that I've been going down here.  And so many girls that have to make such a tough decision.  

I love doing panels, going to group, standing in a college hall during Adoption Awareness Months, or going to a local High School to talk about my experience with an unexpected teen pregnancy.  I hope that someone can make such an unselfish and hard decision because of me. Or that I'll have informed someone of what a blessing adoption is!!!

I am so grateful for Derek 'buying my chairs'.  I sure got lucky. Even if our road has been TOUGH, it has never wavered on his support in my desire to do more.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Open Adoption, Open Heart

We don't have the Internet right now, we won't for another month until we move, it is a little difficult for old Jen over here!

Open Adoption, Open Heart: I have read this book twice now. I will read it a third time too, I'll probably start again on Saturday. Its short, its to the point, its informative, its everything.  I have had the opportunity of becoming part of a group on Facebook: Open Adoption, Open HeartThere, I have been able to talk numerous times to Russell & Jammie, to see their thoughts on Adoption, to hear of the love they have for their children and their Birth Mothers.  It also helped me understand a little more about those amazing couples who we place with.  Their struggles, and trials, and broken hearts that they have to go through. Then their love, strength, and EXCITEMENT to begin their families!

There are so many points in that book that I couldn't agree with more, and ones that I wondered if I could have handled things as well.  One example: Brianna, at 15, leaving her home, moving across the states, into a complete strangers home.  I don't know if I could have done that. She was brave, she wanted to do whatever it took to give that baby everything she ever wanted him to have. 

Russell also tells of how a person asked if his "mother" loved music because of how much Ira loved music.  Now, I can't deny that there were numerous times in the early years of placement that I made statements of how much he did something like me, or that he like something like I did.  It only took a couple years for me to learn/be inspired, or to feel something undeniable true.  As much as I love art and music(in all forms), he does not posses that talent from me.  Yes, he and I have the same blood, but everything he is and does he has learned/obtained because of his amazing parents.  I don't feel he has gotten anything from me; in terms of talents, abilities, etc.  If it weren't for his parents, he may not have had the opportunities to find so many of his talents. His grandpa is an artist, his other grandparents are incredibly hardworking and loving. His Uncles and Aunts are all incredible smart. His Mom, is a teacher, is  beautiful, and has such an incredible gift of love. His Dad, is also incredibly smart, hard working, fun, funny, and honors his priesthood. He not only mimics his family in talents, but in their physical appearance as well. His blond hair and blue eyes, match exactly, to his aunts and cousins. And even now, his little sister has blond hair and blue eyes(he was pretty excited at that turn of hair color). 

Also, they felt as if they were responsible for Briannas happiness. They were all "facebook friends" when she returned home after placing.  And they mentioned how it wasn't really in their best interest to try to read into one line statements and/or "updates" from facebook. 

I always had the assumption, while I was pregnant, that Heavenly Father wouldn't allow me to go through any more trials because this one was so large. That my life would be butterflies and rainbows. Awe, isn't it a great picture you can paint I'm your head, you can just see it all so clearly right?! Well, I could, and I truly thought there was no way life would ever get harder. Or, hard at all. 
As chance would have it, life has continued to had me lemons. I have continued to have trials, and have a hard time making Lemonade out of those lemons. Truly, I have had no desire to make Lemonade and have seem to swallow myself in self pity, or lack of desire to push for change. I didn't ask for help, and still don't.  I have, very very often, been very public and open about how hard my life is... not ever thinking that if someone reads this that is having a harder time than myself, they may just punch me in the face. I can say that, cause I've heard and read things by others and wanted to punch them in the face!  What I have learned in just the past few weeks is this...

My life is hard, but so is every other persons on this earth. Where 50 could be a LOT to loose to one person, it is the same as if a rich person were to loose 500.  I have learned, that I am in charge of my own happiness. I hope that R & S never felt like they were responsible for my happiness. If they were, I would be the happiest person alive(truly).  They have made me forever happy, because they were at the right place at the right time. Because they are E's parents.  I am not, but I am lucky enough to be his Birth Mother. And that is something that  could never make me sad.

That 'forgetting' is OK. That change is OK, even if it is hard. That asking for help, even if it is the thing i hate the most, is a GREAT thing.  I love when people ask me for help, I'd drop whatever I'm doing just to help.

I have learned, as of yesterday, that my story may be to honest for some people. That the truth will always be there.  And that my intentions of this blog is to start to organize all i want to say.  I will not ever say something to make someone feel bad. Everything I say is my opinion, my story, and MINE alone. If I ask someone to be a part of this and maybe allow me to post some of their story... that is different.  Just because I have a hard day(you know when I had my "hardest day") It isn't to make someone feel bad, its to express answerer. And to let people know life still is hard, and we all have to make CHOICES. 

I made many dumb choices after placing, Those are just some of the reasons my life has continued to have hard moments.  I can't base my happiness off of anyone else. I can't base their happiness off of my own(though that doesn't ring true with my kids - a story for another day). But If I am happy, maybe I can help be a LIGHT to someone in the dark.

Russell and Jammie, you have been a Light in my Dark. And even if I'm jealous at small moments of you, its only because I think the best of you. And, it gives me something to work towards. The same goes to R & S, you were the Light in my Dark.  And you are my heroes. You two are the best parents EVER. Those kids of yours are so so lucky!!!!  Us, girls, are lucky to have you. 






Sunday, September 16, 2012

Group & my hardest day in 9 years.

I know I need to get back to "my story" but its much more fun when people ask questions!
Plus, I was able to go home for a week and that made it possible to go to my "group".  

At LDS Family Services, they have a "group" for single expectant mothers. I've motioned it before. BUT, since moving away 6 years ago I don't get to attend often anymore. I have, and will probably continue, to mention my desire to do MORE with my experience in adoption.  In that, I try to get to group as much as possible. I want to be there to answer any questions someone may have, or be able to help in anyway that I can.  This time, I forgot group starts at 4:00 here... so I was late.. 100% late. I only made it for the last 15 minutes of the meeting:( BUT, I was able to share a little and answer a few questions.

How is life 9 years after placing?  What has been your favorite moments?  Is it still hard? Was his 1 year birthday hard? Was the finalization day hard?  ... The questions I didn't want to answer was this: 
What has been the hardest moment in the last 9 years?

Honestly, I haven't had very many really hard moments in the last 9 years. I think that is a blessing from my Heavenly Father. I am more aware now of the moments of clarity surrounding my placement. I also have felt, 100% of the time, that placing was the right decision.  I have never had a moment where I truly regretted placing. I have always known he is with his parents, his family, and that is how its supposed to be. I have always trusted them and even, at some very small moments, when I have hoped for something and it didn't happen, knew it was RIGHT. 
So, what has been the hardest moment in the last 9 years? Well... it came last year, in October, when I had to drop off his Birthday/baptism gift to his little sisters Birth Mom, and I had to drive home, as she got to drive south to attend the sealing of their little family.  

I don't know what it was, but I felt completely broken that day. I wasn't angry about placing I wasn't angry about the baptism, the sealing, anything... Mostly, I was jealous. I was jealous that she was able to attend the sealing of that little girl to her parents. I had talked with my sister(aka S), and knew that I may or may not be invited to attend the sealing/baptism.  I felt, at the moment we drove away from each other, that whatever happened was fine and that it was no big deal. I honestly did not think that not being there would affect me like it did. And, I think, I was just jealous, and it broke my heart.  It was a hard couple weeks. I kept wondering if they were going to call and say, "We would love for you to come...".  And I wondered if they would call and say, "We think it best that you don't come." Which, I would have completely understood.  Its hard, I do my best to include E's brother and sister in gifts etc. But I never remember their birthdays and I never remember to ask when they are.  I would at least like to send cards to them. I mean, hello, they are my little buddies too!  
Anyway. I never got a call saying they were or weren't inviting me. So, I brushed it off and was fine. I then found that little miss A's Birth Mom was going to be down there for her sealing. And I lost it.  OK, not completely but I did go out to my husband and cry a little because I was jealous.  I was jealous, and then I was so completely happy that she was going to be able to SEE them as an eternal family. 

* another moment where open adoptions are a huge POSITIVE*
I know she had healed in ways I hadn't at that point. 

Anyway. I decided instead of mailing his gift down, I would just send it with her. I ended up waiting, what felt like FOREVER, to meet her a few hours from my house, and the waiting was no good for me. I put on a happy face, and smiled and laughed and did all that, when inside I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell her how jealous I was of her, but how happy I was as well. But I just said how happy I was for her and to give them all big hugs and kisses from me.  

As I drove away, I'd gotten to where I had service, I called my mom(which I rarely do when it comes to the whole adoption thing), and could no longer hold back the tears. "I know they have a good reason for not inviting me, and I know that its gotta be right, but I didn't think it would bother me. I didn't think I would ever be upset over it.  I wish I were B, that I was able to not be involved with the birth fahter, maybe that would have helped my emotions in the beginning and I could have been there. Ugh, I hate crying over this..." Obviously, it was ridiculous that I was crying over it. 
I wasn't sad, thinking "my little boy is getting baptized and I wont' see it..." NO, not at all, not in the slightest. What I was missing was my FAMILY. I was missing such an amazing moment. I was missing eternity.  I wanted to see his DAD baptize him.  See his Dad, Grandpa's, Uncles, etc give him the gift of the Holy Ghost. I wanted to see them come out of the temple with their new baby girl, together, as an eternal family. 

All I know, is it does still sting a little, but I know that everything is fine. That the way it is; is right. 
That day, was truly, the hardest day in 9 years.  I was jealous... am jealous(lets be honest) of their relationship. BUT, I have had 9 years:)  and that makes me lucky!  They are absolutely INCREDIBLE. And should ever anyone disagree with me, you will get a swift kick in the knees!!! 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

my very first little

On Friday, we celebrated my very first Little's birthday!!!!
5 years old, and so tall, and blond, and beautiful! 
Little did I know, that she would be my loudest, craziest, grumpiest little ever. If she doesn't get the sleep she needs, you know it. And she tries ever so hard to be a grown up. Tonight she posed the question, "Why can't I just be an adult like you and do the things you do?" I wish I could go back to her little days and wish to be big, instead of actually being big.

I remember that day, the day she decided she was ready to come see us. It was a Sunday, just like E, and I started having contractions, just like E. I even went to church and sat through DJ teaching our Sunday School class. Just like with baby E.  It was oddly the same, even left the for the hospital at the same time.  It was a quick 5 hours, I got scared and had the epidural too soon, and didn't dare tell them it was too much. So, we slowed a bit.  BUT, in that time, I got to talk about how I was gong to have my own baby. I was going to be able to bring her to my house, and name her, and take care of her. I would be the one to witness all those "firsts".  I was so excited.

Once I saw her precious little face, my heart came to my throat and about choked me.  I couldn't believe how much I loved her. I said a little prayer, thanking my Heavenly Father for allowing me to bring E to the world, so that I would be so much more grateful to this little angel!  The first thing I said,... "what do I do now?"  I didn't nurse E, how was I supposed to do that with her? What could I do? I didn't know what to do with a baby of my own. I didn't put her down once in the hospital... and her poor daddy didn't get to snuggle her much for probably 2 weeks straight!  I couldn't put her down, I was afraid I'd wake up from this dream and she'd be gone.  I finally relaxed. She was here. She was my very own. And I loved her!

Happy birthday to the cutest 5 year old EVER!!



Monday, September 3, 2012

Open Adoption

I have come to love, even more, open adoption. 

As I have said numerous times, when I placed adoptions were "semi open". Ultimately, it was decided on between the Birth Parents and Adoptive Parents how open or closed the adoption would be after the 6 month mark.  Those first 6 months were all dependent on the rules of LDSFS.

As I sit here crying, I am more in love with the idea of open adoptions as they are now, because of a couple reasons. 1: I just watched Candace's videos HERE (the finalization of Jamison's Adoption) and HERE(Jamison's homecoming).  Seeing the JOY and LOVE and EXCITEMENT of their family members meeting that little boy for the first time... i've never witnessed anything like that, and it was just another thing telling me its right. Adoption is such a blessing and a great opportunity. Im grateful for Candace for posting those videos, because its a light into their world!

After being able to talk and meet with girls that have had Open Adoptions over the last, even 3 years, I am so utterly jealous. Not only jealous, but absolutely thrilled that the world is becoming more knowledgeable and open to the idea of Open Adoptions.  This is not to say that my own adoption isn't open, but its even still different than these girls. 

As a Birth Mom I can't even imagine being able to see my little baby days, or weeks, or just months after placing. As a Birth Mom, I have seen such a tremendous amount of healing that these girls have been able to have with Open Adoption.  I have seen these girls THRIVE in life after placement, and have seen them come to understand and be OK with so much in such a short time. I was not even close to where they are currently even a year after placing.  So, PART of that problem could have been attributed to the fact that I attempted to stay "together" with the Birth Father, but I also believe it was partly the way our adoption was. AND IT WASN'T EVEN BAD.  I think I would have had an easier time to heal if we could have continued on talking on the phone... I miss(even now) not being able to talk to them during those last few weeks that I was pregnant.  And I still wish I could go back in time and have R & S there to see their baby boy come into the world.  I wished it sitting at the house, in the car on the way to the hospital, and in that bed.  If we could have, I would have had them there.

I have been able to become a part of a "group"(I'll call it), called Open Adoption Open Heart, on Facebook, and its basically a public site where we try to get the word out about Open Adoption, we have little quotes, stores, and other things that we post or share. Also, if someone has a question or comment they can post those as well.  The people who started this page are Jammie and Russell, and even though I've not met them in person, they are amazing. And Jammie, how I wish we lived closer, I think we would be great friends;).  Um, so being able to be a part of that has been so healing as well.  There are other Bmoms, Aparents, and such and the stories they share are awesome. They are such great Adoptive parents, and their little babies are oh so cute! Plus, they LOVE their Bmoms:)!  And their kids. The BIGGEST THING I can say, is about the book that Russell wrote about their adoption journey, and their choice in Open Adoption.  EVERYONE should read it!  AMAZING. You can buy it from his page HERE

There are so many different levels of Open adoption, and some people would probably come to think that my adoption is more open than theirs. I have told Russell and Jammie that theirs is more open than mine, they've actually gone to the Bmoms house, and she has come to theirs. I've never been to my families house, but I have been to their sisters, and their parents.  It always has to be what is best for the baby, for the family, for the bmom, etc etc.  Only you guys will know what is right.  But, I think having it even semi-open does incredible things. 

My cute girls, that I was able to come in contact with because they were going to place with R&S, have done amazing things!  Biz(:)), got married, has a great job, and is living life. She was able to see her little girl when they came back to Utah to Finalize things here, that made me cry and oh so jealous(in a good way though I wasn't angry in anyway!). And she has even seen them since when she has gone to visit her family, and was able to be there when they were sealed.  The same goes for Lyss, that girl is one strong cookie.  She has been able to talk to them, they text pictures etc.  I think she saw him just a month ago, and is doing really well. 

Now, I think it all depends on what you want.  I know, PERSONALLY, that when I go to see them, I'm going to see my family.  Its doesn't feel right to say, "I'm going to see my baby." Nope, he isn't, he is theirs, he was meant to be theirs, and i know he was!!!  I still feel such a GREAT DEAL of love for them that they are his mom and dad.  I love hearing them calling R & S mom and dad. HELLO, that is who they are, and its PERFECT.  I love being Angel Jena, or Jena, or friend, or whatever!  I think its such an honor!!!!

If you are nervous about Open Adoption, go to our FB page - here -  and send a message, or talk to someone, I am SURE there is someone around you who has and Open Adoption or knows about it. You can also watch more about Open Adoption on the link above and also HERE

Friday, August 31, 2012

Why I Part One

February 11, 2011

A lot of the time I don't think people deserve/need an explanation on why I chose adoption.  The other day though, and many days when I'm in contact with this person, i feel like I have to justify the reasons why I placed  little E  for adoption.  On those days its hard, because I know why, he knows why, and his parents know why.  So I'm going to post, in shortest details possible, why I placed E for adoption.
In no more words than necessary I was in a VERY unhealthy relationship.  The birth father and I were DEFINITELY not made for each other, and disagreed on most everything and I was treated badly,  and hurt in more ways than one. And I am not sitting here saying I didn't do anything dumb, I did as well. I in turn did stupid things partly because i was manipulated into thinking I wasn't good enough for anyone else.....   I don't need to go into more detail because well, those of you who were around could attest to the horrible situation it was. 
I believe that if I had felt that things could have been better, even if we weren't together and we did the single parent thing with the help of the birth father, I probably would have kept the baby.  The thing is though, I was never once told that he wanted to keep the baby and be a father.  I wanted E to have an ETERNAL family, I knew matter of fact that his father and I would never be involved with the gospel the way I wanted to be.  I was afraid that with how he treated me, that he would treat him the same way.  And I wanted E to be in a healthy household, with a mother and father, and a family who loved all of them.  
I waited a LONG time to decide that WE were going to place E for adoption.  I didn't know what to do and had moved so we didn't really get to talk about what we wanted to do with the baby.  
But, I know why I did it and the feelings that I felt and the guidance from the Holy Ghost in that decision.  I have always tried to stay close to my Heavenly Father.  And even in the times where I've made very wrong decisions, I always prayed, and asked for guidance to get where I needed to be.  
I don't think adoption is for everyone.  I don't think that all single and pregnant girls should place their children for adoption.  I think that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and he'll help us get there.  I can attest as well to the truth that if you ask, you will be guided.  I know many girls that single parented.  I felt as well, that it was the right choice.  
I don't doubt that it wouldn't have been easy, but ya, i could have parented. But it was NOT the right decision for that little boy.  
So, when you look at a picture of my family (his family), don't think that it is sad.  It was hard, it was sad, but it was RIGHT.  The happiness on his face, the smile in his voice when I've been able to talk to him.  The love that his mom and dad and little brother have for him.  It has been almost SEVEN years, SEVEN!!!!  I have been through counseling, groups, and bishops meetings that carried me and taught me to remember why I chose adoption.  I don't know how his dad dealt with it.  In the time that we were still involved after placement he didn't relay any feelings to me, he was a wall about it.  I don't think it was easy for him, it was not easy for me.  But again, it was right.  I am so grateful for the spirit, and the fact that its been shown to me throughout the years that it was right.  I am grateful to recognize the holy ghost and its presence in my life.


I'm also grateful for the experience because I try harder(i think) to be the best mom I can be.  Even when I get short, and have no patience, I often think, "I wonder if S would act like this." I don't believe she does.  She is a incredible mother, and has so much patience.  He truly has the best mom their ever was.  He has the best dad, who plays with him, teaches him and shows him what the priesthood is, and its a blessing.  Its an example to be strong and always have faith.
I don't think I should have to feel like I "owe" someone and explanation, I don't.  I think there will always be two sides to a story, and at this point, this far down the road, those stories don't matter anymore.  Remember that people change, and grow.  I think the way the he and I both ended up shows that people can change.
Remember, its that easy.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

how much do i love them?

December 20, 2009

This is for some of my very special family.
I got an awesome Christmas card yesterday, it was from little E mans family!
And I am happy to share the news that they are starting the adoption process once more!
I may be biased, but lets be honest that I'm not, and let you know this the most PERFECT family in this entire world! And I am SO excited to get the word out to anyone that may know someone who was in a situation I was and is considering the option of adoption.

This is an amazing family, and I hope that they'll get that little baby soon! There aren't words to express how wonderful these people are. Especially not in writing.

SO, friends and family, if you know anyone that is pregnant, and is considering placement, let me know. I'll get the information to them and they'll go from there. I would love to help them add another member to their family. They need a few more little ones, and those boys need a little sibling! I would love for S to get a little girl, but hey, I know they don't care, they just know they have a member of the family that is waiting to come home!
If you don't know my e-mail just leave me a comment and I'll get back to you!


Yes yes yes, I loved them so much that I HAD to share that they were looking to adopt again! Plus, I would do that for anyone!  Plus, I wanted to be involved in someone finding their baby again SOOOOO bad!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Heart

November 6, 2009


I had the opportunity to go to group. I haven't been in over a year and it was SO different. Obviously with it being 6 years the girls I knew were long gone. Six years! Six years ago I looked like those little girls. I wanted to cry right when I walked through the door. They had no idea what they were in for, or what they had JUST experienced! One thing is for sure, they were very quiet, so i talked A LOT, but that's what helps you heal. We talked a lot about choices, and things that remind us of the decisions that we made. Reasons why we placed, or were going to, or reasons why some weren't sure what their plans were. There was one girl who placed not too long ago who is living with an adoptive family. The mom that she was living with was there, and was involved with LDSFS soon after I had placed. The love she has for her birth mothers, and her children, and for that young girl who had just placed was awesome! Anyway, to the story... This girl has been having some 'problems' with her adoptive couple. The 'problem' isn't that she is one of those crazy birth moms and wants to see them all the time and know every minute detail... but she wants to have a relationship with the adoptive couple. She wants them to treat her more as a sister/friend rather than a birth mom. She wishes that they could know how much she loves them and that they have nothing to worry about as far as her feeling uncomfortable with her decision. Its hard for her seeing this couple that she is living with be so loving and accepting of their children's birth parents, and not get that same feeling with hers. She has been guarded in things she has said cause she doesn't want them to feel like they need to guard themselves or feel uncomfortable. I just wanted to hug her cause I can't imagine having a situation where they didn't really want to talk to you! Another girl had JUST turned 16 and was planning on parenting. This girl has such potential, and was beautiful. Her mom was there, and looked like her heart had been stomped on! Oh it was so sad. One thing we always talk about in group, or in any atmosphere when there is a discussion on adoption, is the confirmation you receive when you know what you are supposed to do. One thing was, she wasn't sure that she was making the right decision. She based that decision on the fact that she'd already bought stuff for the baby, and not necessarily because of 'knowing'.

In the end I really wanted to share my MOST FAVORITE scripture to these girls.

D&C 6:22-23

I just felt like they needed to be reminded that our Heavenly Father is right there. And that if you ask a question he WILL answer you, and you will get the answer that is right.

Now, like I've said time and time again.. Adoption is not for everyone. And sometimes girls get the answer that they are supposed to parent. I AGREE with the girls that do parent, when its the right thing to do. I think all girls that have an unexpected pregnancy need to know that if YOU feel the decision you are making is the RIGHT decision, others will feel that as well. The confirmation that the Holy Ghost gives you will be given to those around you. I just hope those girls remember what they are doing and why they are doing it... Adoption is an INCREDIBLE gift. And how appropriate that November is National Adoption Awareness month?! I'll be doing a post just for that!

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Im bored

I am a bit bored of my story... at least, tired of trying to remember, or actually remembering.  So I'm going to take a little break from actually writing it and do something different.

Mostly, I am just going to take some posts(a post) at a time, and post it on here. There is no specific order, but it will be a good change for the time being.  Thus, here is a post from my personal/family blog, enjoy.

June 11, 2009
Its amazing having a child of your own. its even more amazing after placing a child how much more love you have for your own children. i am constantly reminded how different life would be, how difficult it would have been had i single-parented. it wasn't the right choice for me. and i am more grateful every day for what having that little boy taught me. the love i have, the able-ness(yes i know that isn't a word) i have to forgive, and the ability i have to recognize the spirit in my life. 

 October 2, 2009
Often I wish forgiveness came easy.
Whether it be for the the forgiver or the one who is receiving that forgiveness.

My heart broke a little more today. Friendships lost because of false statements and because of a past that some people can't let go of. I come back to the Mormon Messages; and being in need of spiritual uplifting have turned off the TV, crude or less than uplifting music, and feigned away from the stupid Internet sites that take away too much of my time.
Instead I've turned on some "Sunday music" and decided to listen to more of this and less of that. I feel that may be the only way to heal my heart.

When you have done what you can to heal a broken something all you can do at that point is live your life and let the lord do the rest. Though it still breaks my heart it doesn't mean that I can't have some healing. I learned 6 years ago the power of forgiveness and the power that a little step can take you.

SIX years, wow how time flies, when friends were there, supporting you. The love you've never experienced before pouring from your soul.
How grateful I am that I have a Heavenly Father than knows my faults, that loves me and will forgive me. I hope my heart will relax a little more today.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Family-o-Mine Pt 2.

With all the craziness that was me, when it came to the adoption or my family... or the BF, they were still so loving and caring. They still told me they loved me, and said it was OK that I was open with them. I still they they are crazy for saying that but hey, aren't we all sometimes.

The thing is, these adoptive couples, who we have chosen, never HAVE to keep in contact with us. They don't, its that simple. In MY opinion that is, its that simple. They didn't have to send me pictures after the first 6 months, they didn't have to do anything. But 8 years later, they still give me a call every once in a while, they still come see me when I'm down visiting(which isn't often), and have done so much through their words and actions.  They are the most loving, honest, happy, awesome people ever. They are spiritual giants, always ready to help someone in need. They love everyone, and are just... perfect.

This isn't to say that I haven't continued to be crazy in the years after the first of placement... I still have issues, but usually its because life has continued to hand me some dirt... it is my choice what I do with it. And, at times, I have failed miserably in taking it gracefully and just putting Happy face on. I always say I can only take so much.  One constant though, is that placing was right, the Gospel is true, and I know (well I remember now), that my Heavenly Father loves me.  He can only do so much for us before we have to take the reigns and make our own choices. He can place things in our paths to direct us, but it is ultimately our choice whether or not to Choose the Right.  Even when the right isn't easy.  

They chose to stay around, and support the crazy. :) they stayed and showed me they loved me and reminded me so often that I did the right thing. 

I can't tell you how fun it has been to call them and let them know that I was pregnant, and that we were going to be sealed... all those little things that are so great!  I wish they could have been there for some of those, but life is crazy. I can't expect much from anyone with kids, cause even myself is overwhelmed with what it entails. But its worth it. 

Thank you, my little P family, for you never ending love!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Love that Family o-mine

I had forgotten to get permission to post the pictures of my 'family' before I hit PUBLISH, so I sent a little quick e-mail asking if they were cool with that. I always know what the answer will be but it is so nice to hear it:).

I just have to say a few things about them, after reading further into my Journal, and further through their letters...

I was not the easiest Bmom to deal with, seriously. Not that I was always saying how much I wanted him back or that I hated them forever yada yada. But I have a mouth that throws up before thinking. Pretty much, I am EXTREMELY open, and often it doesn't take much to get me talking. Which is quite the opposite when I get around large groups, church, places where I dont' know people. I often sit quietly, and keep to myself when I am at church. Even if I feel I have something good to add to the lesson, I usually keep quiet. I don't like all the attention it brings to me... I know, if you knew me at all you would all be bustin a gut right now.  Really, I am crazy, I will fully admit it!
ANYWAY,  It wasn't the smartest of choices to stay with the BF after placing.. it wasn't a good idea during either, but for some reason, that boy made me more crazy that I already was. I had some sever PPD, it is real, and those who think it isn't can kiss my buns-o-love.  I talked a lot with my counselor about possibly taking some medication for a while, but opted to try to talk it out and work it out before going to medication.  In the time I was still trying to figure things out I went koo koo about not getting a letter in time. Mostly, I was concerned that I may have said something to bother them, or offend them, or that they didn't love me anymore, or that they didn't care anymore, or that maybe R got hurt, or S got hurt, or E(who used to be C) got hurt... All those crazy things that run through a post pregnancy mind. One of the first things I wrote about R&S goes as follows: "10-9-2003--- We got the 7 rolls of film back today. I was so happy! When i got to the roll of placing... I just cried. It was so hard to see S and R's faces. It was complete joy and complete pain all in one. I love you ECP."  10-11-03, "I really don't like those pictures, I mean, I do  but I don't."  I continued to write about how I was really down and really concerned about not getting pictures.

One thing I knew, and still know, is that R&S love me! Even at 27 years old, I feel like I am a little kid(when it comes to some things) and it is so great being loved by someone. They truly are my big brother and sister. Its so fun talking to them, or their family members. Its so fun seeing how they have all grown, and how old all those little babies are.  I feel about them as I do my own sisters and brothers. I can call them and say, "Hey I'm coming down, I'd love to get together." They would, and will, every time they can.  I always know that they will do what they can, when they can, and if its right.  They are the best parents ever. EVER. I often thing of them doing things with their kids. Wondering if they have any advice that could help me with my crazy 4 year old. 
I even wrote those few days after placing, "I started to wonder what R&S did at dinner time. Where you would be? In the living room asleep, in the chair in the kitchen, your room? I just don't know... I wonder what you 3 are doing."  

The pain that followed those first days of placement slipped my mind. I really was depressed. And I was still trying to talk myself into not being with the BF, and trying to remember that this was all right. There were moments that I woke up and would just lay in bed. The world was against me, at least that was how I felt. I wondered how Heavenly Father could let me feel this way if I was doing the right thing.  That is what I remember most, why could He let me feel this way?  Its all part of the Consequence for my Choice. Plus, they never said what was worth it was easy.  I was having issues because the BF was already out with other girls.. again... that I knew of anyway. I still don't know why I stayed. Why we even pretended that we should be together.  He knew it wasn't supposed to be... so did I. 

Things were so up and down, life was so crazy, and I know why(now I do anyway).  I still wasn't turning to the Lord, and if anything, turning further away.  I was angry, and hurt. But couldn't help but wonder why because I KNEW that it was right.  So, I started to make a change, I started to read my scriptures and pray. 

Days following we found out where the mix-up had been. The letters had been ready to send, taken to their caseworker... but either they didn't send them, or the Post office didn't do something... so they Faxed a letter to me, and then i sent one right back, and they sent ANOTHER. "By far, they made up. you look just like Riley!"  

Post Placement

As we hugged for the last time and walked out of the room, I felt a strange ping of strength. I felt it odd that my heart and body could feel so heavy, and yet, my feet were carrying me easily out of the door, down those back stairs to that black altima.  The sun was shining, and it was much warmer than I had anticipated. I guess that was better; better than a drag gray non-sun shining day.  I was a little overheated in my outfit, and definitely needed a change of clothes. I felt a little claustrophobic at the moment.
We walked out the front of the office, and headed out the door. My parents stopped and gave me a hug, and we went our separate ways. The went down the front stairs, and us the back. I haven't seen that hallway in a long time!  Today, I wish I would have gone with them. I wonder, even now, what they did after we left. I wonder, did they cry? Did they hurt and ache like I was? Or, maybe, were they relieved to have that moment over? Honestly, I felt relieved it was over. I kept playing over and over in my head the days before we had him; sitting on the floor at my parents just hoping those contractions would continue so I could just get it over with.  The drive to the hospital, getting in that gown and sitting in the bed. Watching a movie that I really didn't focus on.  I wanted to get to the part to be over so I could just stop wondering... any maybe even hoping that the BF mind would change, or someone would tell me not to do it. Those moments never happened. It was better, I knew it was, I could feel that it was. Again, that strange feeling of strength.

We drove to my BF house. We stopped at got a little Cesar's Pizza on the way, I hadn't eaten in probably 24 hours, and I still wasn't hungry. I ate one piece and felt sick. I sat down on his bed and went to sleep. I stayed there ... and all I could do to not get up and run out of the house was to just let myself cry.  I couldn't sleep that night, and tossed and turned. 
"I woke up every hour, at times forgetting you weren't there. I would stop and look and ache for you. At six I woke up; and cried till 11. Sandy was supposed to call at 9 to let us know how your first night went.  I called right when she got there to the office. she hadn't even had tome to call. She asked if there was anything specifically I wanted her to say and the only thing I could think was that I wanted to know every single detail."

I sat there waiting, and wondering what was going on, and how it went. I prayed that he would have had a hard night, and prayed that he didn't. I said the night before, "If he cries tonight this is so wrong..."  I was wishing a baby not to cry, we all know how possible that was!  
"She called back, she said you didn't cry at all. you woke up with hiccups and just looked at everything. I knew you would be OK when she said you didn't cry that night. After I got off the phone I couldn't help but cry. I felt like I had lost the best part of my life.... but also, that I will have made you a happier and better boy!" Moments later, watching morning TV, the LDS Family Services commercial for adoption came on...
I wanted to be back in that chair, with baby C in my tummy... I couldn't believe how absolutely hard this was!

Because I placed out of state, we had to sign 2 sets of Relinquishment papers. 1 for my state, and one for theirs. If the first time wasn't bad, this was worse. I guess without him there I was able to pay closer attention. those words cut like a knife. It was official... it was done.  All I wanted was to have him back in my arms.
"We went to eat, and I cried again. I couldn't believe what I had done. I had carried this precious and special boy for 9 months. I grew so close to him, loved him, then gave birth to him, held him and then placed him in someone else's arms.  Caleb, I love you so so much. I hope you know and knew that."

The days following were filled with not wanting to get out of bed, holding onto my bear for dear life. I had to go to work a few days after, showing his pictures to some of the women made me cry, but I did well the rest of the day.  That was until I got to Sandy's office to pick up a letter and pictures from R&S that were there. "It made me wish I hadn't done what I did. Yet, in the back of my mind I knew that it was right. From then until later that afternoon I was really sad, and even mad.  R&S decided to change your name, to switch your middle with your first. There were a LOT of Caleb's around. They told me I could keep calling you Caleb, I might, but its not your first name.  I was upset, but then I was fine, I mean, you are theirs."

I felt continuously that my life was never going to be better, and that this aching and pain was never going to leave my body. The days led me to wonder what they were thinking, how they were feeling.  I can't lie, I was happy that they had him, that they loved him. They were everything I wanted for him. Then, when I got a letter and pictures it made me mad seeing S with him. I knew those feelings were wrong, and those were the moments I prayed the hardest to make me remember why I placed.  He was perfect, happy, and in a home with his Mom, Dad, Nana, Papa, and so many others that loved him. He was exactly where he needed to be.   "The only think holding me together is the reassurance of your dad and mom. They are truly amazing and I love and respect them."

I prayed more in those months of pregnancy than I had in my whole life. I always felt a little extra love from my Heavenly Father, or maybe, he loved me enough to let the spirit be with me a little more often than usual. After placing I could feel that slipping away, I could feel that I needed to get back on my own two spiritual feet and start PUSHING forward with my life. I needed to get back up on that horse an ride. I prayed and prayed so often that I could be carried again, helped, and healed. I was surprised that the days were getting easier, but still had those moments of great pain.  I began to read my scriptures again, and knew hard choices were coming... they needed to be done.

Just a month later, I wrote a list of things to remember to write in my next letter:

10-31-03
Things to write to S:
Send pictures of you with him!
Take a picture in his blue shirt, lucky pants, and red jacket when he fits in them.
There was no way I could/did feel betrayed
Tell about Lisa
My middle name
i LOVE softball, so jealous of T being able to play and being so talented
Do they know Stoney & Allison?
her story about the mtc... does he?

I quickly got over the whole being mad thing... that month flew by, and my love for that family grew and grew!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Placement Day

The night before, the day we signed, I packed up and got ready to go home the next day. 
Little man did NOT want to sleep.  He would not let me put him down. I was content to hold him, and willing to stay up all night with him. I knew my time was short with him.  "BF talked me into sending him to the nursery so we could get some sleep.  So we did, at 2 in the morning. I slept horribly.  At 6 I was up and in the nursery. Holding you and waiting for the DR to come do the rounds and bring you back to us."

I wasn't prepared for that day. I am not sure any Birth Mom is ready for that day.  I still felt that peace in my heart, in my soul. I knew that I was so utterly unprepared. I knew that what I was doing was for him. It was the love I had for him, the want for a better life, for a better family, for a forever family that was having to be replayed in my mind. I couldn't have taken him home, I didn't have one. I couldn't marry his dad, he didn't want the same things I did.  I felt nauseous all morning. I was exhausted and wanted to just go home... with him.  
My mom and sister came to help me take all the flowers and gifts we got home. They brought along a little outfit to bring you home in.  I'd gotten him another one a week or so before, but wanted that one out to send him home with his mom and dad in.  He looked so cute.  BF's mom also came to say goodbye, I don't really remember much about that.

I sat one more moment to read the letter that we had received from R & S while we were in the hospital.  His name... had we decided which one?  He was definitely Caleb.  I still wondered if we'd discussed that we chose that name for him as well. I wondered if they did it on purpose? Did you?:)  I wished S could be there with me right now. I wish they could have been there the whole time.  I wanted nothing more than to keep this little baby of ours. But at the same time, I wanted nothing more than to be taking him from the hospital, together.  I wanted a picture of she and I with him. "MOM'S".  

I felt the moment we left the hospital that the "faith and courage" that R & S had stated us having, well, it was there. I had the faith, I didn't know if I had the courage though.  We had permission from our Case Worker to take him to my house for a little while. I wanted to spend time with him OUTSIDE of the hospital.
We stopped by BF's house, for what? His roommate came out and took a picture of him with his phone. That was one of the moments that was hard. I remember saying, "This is our Caleb." and then thinking, well he kind of is ours. 
" It took us a minute to get the seat belt to work, but we did, and then brought you to the house. We cuddled you, fed and changed you, and took lots of pictures.  Leenie also came and did a little "photo shoot" of the 3 of us. You don't like being undressed!"



 i think the 0-3 was a bit ... big



I can't help but feel all over again those moments. I can't help but feel and insurmountable love for that little boy.  He changed me, and my life. Everything changed. That Choice, he was my destination in that choice. He was the FUTURE, of every decision I made.  He made me want to be better. SO BETTER!
I remember him holding my hand, I remember never wanting him to let go. The house was quieter than it had been, EVER. Everything was done slowly. Everything was done as if he would break. I had to soak it all in, moments from now he would be out of my arms. He wouldn't be mine anymore.  My little brother and sisters came home from school to say goodbye.  I was a little unfocused on anything but him. My little brother pulled out my grandmas old, HUGE, shoulder camera and got a little bit of video of him with us.  I just wanted that video to be a memory, and to have him there forever. 
" ...everyone left. BF, you, and I took a nap. I asked if we could just sleep through the appointment but he said we couldn't.  We were late though."
My dad drove with BF and I to LDS Family Services.  I sat in back with little Caleb, and he and BF sat in front.  My dad reached his hand back, and held it as I cried all the way to the building.  My dad had the best hands for holding, and I could feel him hurting for me.  "I wanted to just run away with you. As we walked into Sandy's office I just cried and cried, I swear you had a messy diaper, and thought I would leave that for R & S so they could REALLY get to experience the firsts ..."  
We got him ready, and my mom had stopped and gotten a basket full of things to send with R&S. Things that told them about us. Things we liked, and things we did.  
I held him as we walked in the room. I was so excited to see R&S, I had missed them so much, and now we were ready to change lives. We hugged and I got to tell them about labor and delivery. It was hard to look at them, not because I was angry, but I felt scared. I felt scared for everything that was about to happen. We gave them the basket of items, and they had a gift for Me, and one for BF as well. 
I had letters, 5 to be exact, that S's sisters had written to me. To this day, they are the most amazing letters I have ever received! Also, they each sent a gift along with the letters. Was I spoiled or what? I would take being called their sister any day. They are all beautiful, strong, and faithful women. D's letter especially helped, I don't know why hers did specifically at the time, but I wrote how I could feel her faith coming off the pages. They were all filled with love, faith, gratitude, and more love. I know their prayers and faith in God was a big reason that I made it through to this point. And I loved them all so much.

The time had come to place him in the arms of his mom and dad. We had decided to put him in their arms "together", I don't know why I didn't even really get to hold him through the talking. But, we did, together we placed him in his Moms arms.  Mine immediately ached, and I wanted to grab you right back. For a moment I looked up and saw S... She was your mom. I swear it took everything she had not to squeeze you to death. She was beautiful, and she was right where she was supposed to be, and you were right where you were supposed to be. With your mom and dad. The way R was looking at you I will forever have engraved in my mind. That was what a Father was. Strong, faithful, worthy, and GREAT, he was perfect. They were perfect.  It was the THE hardest time in my life and the best time of my life all at once. I knew all that I was doing, and how right it was. But it was still breaking my heart.

We took a moment to hug, and my mom and dad gave him a kiss and said goodbye.  Sandy and S's mom had the cameras, and were snapping as many pictures as they could.  At one point, R said something funny, what, I don't know, but we all laughed.  He did that, he knew what to say and how to say it to make a hard moment ... easier.  







(yes the BF face is out, not to be mean, but its just not comfortable)

There are moments in this that you will never know EVER. I can never get you to understand the impact or pure amazement that came with this day. You will never know what we were feeling, and the strength that our Heavenly Father gave to me on that day. You will never know of the love I have for those 2 people, or the love I have for their families!  At moments I wish everyone could experience the part that comes after placing a child. The part that I still have to tell. I wish everyone could know how much to love their babies, because not everyone can have them. How much us Birth Moms love our own children when we finally get to have them as well. My heroes, are in those pictures up there. They saved me in ways no one could. And I love them more than anyone could... 

And that day, wasn't even half over.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

dejavu

Had a complete dejavu(spelling please) moment tonight. We were in, telling bedtime stories, and I decided I probably needed to record this one.  I went and grabbed the camera and flipped it on. As I walked into the room I hear Lou giggling, saying "kamdy-lou-ice cream-ice cream-bugga-boo-hoo".  There have been talks of an Ice cream land lately at bedtime. Usually, she asks that just her and daddy to stories(he is so much better at making those up on the spot), tonight I was invited. As I stared into my camera I could have told you what was going to happen frame by frame for the next 5 minutes. SERIOUSLY. It was crazy, and it brought peace to my soul. It brought faith that I could make it through another day in this crazy life that we have right now. It also made me fall even more in love with that little and her daddy.  

In the hospital, the afternoon(I think) after having baby E, I received a letter, flowers, and a little card from R & S.  I don't believe that I will ever have a chance to witness the moment when an adoptive couple receives the call that their little miracle has been born.  I can only imagine and hope that I will someday see that. Or, maybe see an adoptive couple find out they are PREGNANT(seriously I'd kill for the second one as well).  
In the letter they told me that they'd been told by their caseworker that he was 18 1/2 inches long. "... but in the excitement of it all I wrote down 8 1/2 inches..... one f my sisters said, "are you sure he's 8 1/2 inches? Do you know how tiny that would be?  It was then that we realized our mistake and we're really glad he's longer than a ruler."

They knew how to make me laugh, how to make me feel comfortable, how to make me feel loved. They really knew how to make me KNOW that they were so happy and grateful for us. They also are really good and letting me know how much they love HIM.  

I didn't mention this earlier, maybe cause I didn't remember, but when we met for the first time, the way R & S looked at each other when they spoke about the other, or about their lives, or the Gospel, it made my heart scream ITS THEM ITS THEM. I couldn't get over how amazing they were.  It was more than just knowing that he belonged to them, it was knowing how much they cared for, and loved, each other.  You could see it, and feel it when they were around!  

They must have trusted me as well, because at that moment they hadn't had a name chosen.  And, for one reason or another, they allowed US to choose from their top 2.  I don't remember if I told them what we would have named him if we would have parented, but he would have been known as Caleb Chandler.  If I did tell them, I don't know if they purposefully chose to use that as part of one of the choices or not; or if it had only to do with some of R's favorite scriptures in the Bible being about Caleb.  All I know is, I loved both the names, but couldn't help but be head over heels with the one that incorporated Caleb.  I was so grateful to have been able to be a part of choosing his name. It truly meant so much to me!


Those 2 were amazing. And though I could feel the love and happiness of their new bundle of joy, they were so sincere and sensitive to us and how we were feeling.  "While this is something we've looked forward to for years, it is also very difficult knowing that people we love so dearly will be hurting.  Oh, how we have prayed for you and hope you will be able to find peace and comfort."
There were many more things said in that letter, many things that have ALWAYS been such a strength. 


Its odd to remember something years later, and after you start from the beginning and move forward in remembrance.  I always told people that there was no way that I would be happy with, or be happy when we chose the couple that was going to raise this baby.  To me, it was so the right thing to do, but at the same time, in my HEAD(where Satan loved to be many times), my head told me that this was wrong, and that they wouldn't ever be good enough.  My HEART told me different. My Heart told me EVERYTHING was right, and they were MORE than GOOD ENOUGH, when I heard those words, "Suz's daughter-in-law...". Honestly, I thought it was a joke, people saying you would love them more than you have loved anyone in your life.  It was true though. And though I loved them as E's parents, I loved them more for the people they were. Their examples of faith, courage, honesty, love, and everything else. They are perfect, SERIOUSLY, and I mean seriously.  They have done more for me than I ever thought they would.  

The biggest thing they have done though, is that I have ALWAYS... ALWAYS... ALWAYS felt that they would do what was right for that little boy.  They would ALWAYS keep his safety, both physically and spiritually, his heart, and everything else as a first priority and to do what was best for him.  In turn, I knew that I never had to ask for ANYTHING.  Even if I thought of something that I wanted ask them for/about, in the following days would be a letter, or call, or text, or something from them.  They have always known. And I will always trust them in turn.

Moments like this make me feel like I am 19 again... vulnerable... scared... but even now, my Heavenly Father has let me know that this was right, and that sharing this story is the right thing to do right now!
I know that right now its not more than a story. There hasn't been much incite, much to debate, because there isn't anything to debate.  I don't think adoption is a debatable issue. It is right for some of us, not for all of us, but in most cases, should be an option at least. I am so grateful that I'd been educated about adoption. Otherwise I'd probably be a single mom dealing with a relationship that never should have been.

Sorry that this is an all over the place post... but I've been having lots of thoughts about this lately.... WONDERFUL thoughts.  Thoughts that have taken away so much regret!!!  Especially since I can't change what happened 8 years ago!

Relinquish

re·lin·quish  [ri-ling-kwish] 
verb (used with object)
1. to renounce or surrender (a possession, right, etc.): to relinquish the throne.
2.  to give up; put aside or desist from: to relinquish a plan.
3.  to let go; release: to relinquish one's hold.
 This might be the hardest part to write. As I have read over my journals and looked at pictures, its amazing what your heart remembers.  that heaviness came back, something I haven't felt all but probably 4 or 5 times in the last 5 years.  This may be harder than placement. Because this is the day that he was officially NOT mine, in any way. After we signed those papers, he was only in my "custody", I was not his mother.


Tuesday, September 30, 2012
"I felt like little by little they were taking you away from me."
 There is no uglier word than relinquish.  And you think they could come up with something better than that when it comes to giving up your rights as a parent.  In adoption, at least in UT when I placed, you had to wait 24 hours to sign the papers relinquishing your rights as a parent.  You also could not be on any pain pills that would make you incoherent(not sure if that is the word I want to use), or basically make you so you are unable to make a knowledgeable decision.
Remember how I was supposed to sign papers on WEDNESDAY? I don't know if maybe I heard something wrong, or if she said it wrong, or if it was just... a mistake, but I got a call Tuesday morning that my caseworker would be there that day to do the paperwork for the adoption.
I so completely started to panic. I started questioning everything, and pacing the room back and forth. 
"I tried to get every person - or any person - to tell me not to do it. I called my dad and mom. I even tried to get BF to tell me no,  but all he could say was that he supported me in whatever decision I made, but I knew the right one. Same for my parents."

After Sandy called me I called every person I could to ask them if I should do this.  I had tried to call my dad, probably 10 times, and he never answered. I called my mom and told her I couldn't get a hold of dad. I  told her that Sandy had called and said they were coming today, and shortly.  She got a little upset at me because I had told her Wednesday, DUH that is what I thought.  She said she would try to get a hold of him and they would be over asap.  They had wanted to be there when we signed.  
I continued to try and get a hold of my dad. Baby boy was asleep on the bed as I paced back and forth, dialing... and redialing 5 MILLION times to try and get a hold of my dad. You see, I trust my dad, he is USUALLY right:), and I knew that if he told me not to sign the papers that I couldn't/wouldn't.  I wanted him to tell me NO. I wanted him to tell me that we would do it. That he would help me, and that I could bring that baby home.  He never answered... 
Sandy came in, and along with her came 5 other people. Notary, witnesses, another ldsfs caseworker... I felt so sick... BF and I sat on the bed, with little man between us.  They had to read every single line of the papers. If it wasn't torture enough!
"My heart was breaking, and all I wanted was to give in to my selfishness. I wanted to be the one to raise you... to love you... and be able to show it. i wanted to be the one to see you do all your firsts.  BUT, i knew that I couldn't give you all you needed. A home, ready for a family. A dad and mom that were already married, already sealed, already financially able to give you all the things and opportunities we couldn't give you."
I don't know that I had cried that hard EVER in my life.  I don't know if I really "heard" anything she read, or if I really even tried to pay attention.  Signature after signature, I was DYING.
"We had to tell everyone to leave us how knows how many times, we cried and cried for who knows how long. Finally BF signed one paper so I did. Then BF went and got them and had them come back in.  The final paper was the hardest. I kept thinking of myself, you... then R & S.  We made everyone leave again. i was holding you this time. BF put his arm around me and we just cried. After a time we signed. The last one I had to sign I almost didn't.  I couldn't hold my pen, and I couldn't see. I couldn't write either. BF had to help me, I physically couldn't hold the pen."  
We had everyone come back in after it had been signed. I had my baby right against my face. Everyone left and it was just the BF and I.  The BF left to go to the grocery store, and I sat in the rocking chair... numb.
  I talked to him...
" I expressed to you how much we love you. How we were doing this for you, so you could have a better life, and be able to do everything you ever wanted.  I promised I would never let you out of my heart and mind. That I would love you forever!  I asked you to not hate me, and that I was sorry. i told you how handsome you were, and how many people loved you.  I told you R & S loved you, and I think I held you too tight, because you started to cry."

When my parents got there... it was hard... they wanted to be there so bad. And my dad felt so bad because he could see how bad i was hurting.  They held him, and talked to us about how it went, what was said, and what we were to do now.  I didn't want them to leave.  My oldest and youngest sisters came after as well. It was not great, all i did was cry... ALL DAY... every time someone came in.  I felt broken, empty, and so scared. 

 That is what you look like when you cry for DAYS straight!  I was EXHAUSTED.
And oh- that is the blanket I made for E behind us.

mama and daddy after signing... so much not fun!