A move happened on September 22, 2018.
Myself, my 4 littles, and a truck moved to the Northern Part of UT. It was a quick happening move. It was a miracle that it happened. It has continued to be a miracle.
I have felt many moments in the last 2 years of hopelessness, brokenness, bitterness, anger, hate, fear, doubt, sadness, resentment, regret, and so much more. I lost hope. I lost love. I lost the light. I prayed harder than ever before, every second of my life, to make it through each day. I held onto my children and what they needed to stay on solid ground. There were 2 moments I truly broke ... where I felt like there was no more light... as if God had left me and hope... happiness... faith... seemed to flee and I felt would never return.
Therapy... I went there... Eyes were opened to my worth, and to where I felt my worth. I didn't. I felt worthless. I felt like a failure. I felt like every time I tried I would get beat back down. Then a miracle happened....... after a short conversation I felt HOPE. I didn't know how, what, when, where, who would make this happen but I felt hope.
Miracles? I didn't truly know of miracles. I know I have seen Gods hand in my life, but had never TRULY witnessed a miracle.... Who knew that there would be endless miracles for myself and my sweet tiny littles.
1 being told I could leave.
2. Friends turned sisters... a tribe... family isn't always blood.
3.A moving truck
4. Friends and Strangers sacrificing for me... for my family.
5. Safely driving
6. A Home.
7. A School.
... a job... a daycare... a ward... a bishop... FRIENDS... friends who are family... a car... safety... peace... love...
I returned to my home just under 12 years after I left. I will never forget what I have been blessed with. I will never forget those who helped us. As we drove into the valley immediate peace entered my soul. I felt something I hadn't in so long. The last time I left I wanted to leave every memory that came with it. I wanted to forget the people, pain, the past. I didn't know I missed it and what it did for me being here. Home.
I want healing. I want growth. I want safety and peace to continue for my little family. I want others to be brave. I want others to seek help. I want others to heal and get the help they need. I want others to see the light... to feel hope... to know that it can get better. And those who are hurting... I want them to heal!!!
Sunday, May 29, 2016
I just got back from swimming with my sister and her family. I took the oldest 3 while baby Lenny stayed with her dad. We laughed, played, jumped, threw, and chased each other. It was such a fun and needed day with family. I realized shortly into our day, that being with them made me breath easier, and relax in a way I haven't in months. After getting back to the house, the kids left to go to their grandmas house with their dad. I was about to jump in the shower, when the thoughts started running through my mind. Lately I have thought to myself, "I should write that down so I can write about it later." And then I continue on doing whatever it is and I forget. Today, was different.
I have been on a LONG journey learning to love my body for what it is. I have come to accept what it is, what it can be, and what it will be. I am amazed at what it is capable of, and what it can be capable of, and what it will do.
Toady, as I walked to the shower, I looked at my body in a way I haven't before. I noticed that the extra sun I got from being outside the last 2 days, has accentuated those beautiful stretchmarks I received when I got pregnant with my children. I don't really think they are beautiful, I know other women do, but I don't. What I DO think, is that they are a visible sign of my past, my motherhood, my ability that I was lucky enough to be able to carry 5 children. It is a visible appearance of choices made, of stress, of sadness, of heartbreak. It is the ability to see redemption, faith, hope, and love.
As a birth mother, I still get told that I should just, "let it go, and move on...", and so on and so forth. Something that I don't believe many realize, is that even though we could, MAYBE, forget those babies we loved so much, some of us have daily reminders of them. I feared being intimate after placing that baby for adoption. I feared dating, and being close to anyone, because then someday they would actually SEE me. They would see the marks, they would SEE my past.
Some of us LITERALLY WEAR our pasts. We do not choose to hang on and remember every day; or do we really even want to remember in the beginning. But, my choices led to a pregnancy, which led to my body changing, stretching, moving, and becoming something opposite of what it was prior. My past has not faded physically, but has even been more accentuated because of the other children I had. If it were not for those stretchmarks, I probably wouldn't remember daily. I probably would not have been so scared and closed off. Then again, I probably would have been the same because I was so changed. I was so different. I was trying so hard to be something I wasn't, and hide something I was.
I wear my history on my body.
Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes its joyful. Sometimes I accept it; and sometimes I do not. I felt imperfect, and I believe many of the boys a dated after thought so as well. That is why they didn't last, or didn't even begin. There is more to having a fresh start, for us as birth mothers, when we physically see our past. It is hard to move forward, it is hard to forgive, its especially hard to feel like we fit in.
Remember, for us, that we wear our past. Most of us do, anyway. We won't forget. We will have fear about our future spouse, our families, the people we date... Will they believe we are worthy if they SEE my history? Remember for us, adoptive families, that we don't forget and that we love you. That the moments when we may not like you as we grieve, that we DO remember why we chose you. That we have to hold onto the reminders that we are Daughters of God, Daughters of a King. That despite our choices, our failures, our fears... that He is waiting for us to allow him to forgive us. For His grace, his love, his mercy.
I know I need to remember that right now more than I ever have before...
I am enough. I am imperfectly perfect. I am loved. I am lifted. I am His. I am a Daughter of God.
So are you. We can wear our pasts, and do so with class, with self confidence, and with a desire to continue to make better choices. WE ARE SO UNBELIEVABLY ENOUGH.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
12 years ago.
Today, at 1:00 I was supposed to have been at LDSFS to place my baby boy in the arms of his mom and dad. His eternal family was waiting for him, just like they had been for years. The difference on that day, was the waiting was ending in the physical presence of their child.
I can look back today and cry because of all the little miracles that took place that led me to them. All the tender mercies that allowed hearts to be softened, and hearts to be filled with faith as we made a decision to place our child for adoption.
After laying my own baby down for a nap today, I am blessed, even more, of the knowledge i have of eternal families. The fact that these children were sent to me, and i get the privilege to be the mom I always wanted to be. That even though the time was not right for me to be E's mom, the time was right for him to be sent to me, so that I could get him to his mom. I didn't have to wait, and hurt, and ache for a child. I didn't have to even "try" to have one, The handful of times that I had sex landed me pregnant at 18. But, I am thankful that I did get pregnant, because it has taught me much, and let me know some truly one of a kind people.
On this day 12 years ago, I sat in my parents living room. Preparing for the placement of my first born. Something that I really didn't prepare for in any way. Pictures were being taken, diapers changed, gifts being put together, bags being packed. I held him, took in every single detail, and ever smell. I talked, whispered, promised, and cried. The house that I came to hate, was a house that I had come to; to spend the last few hours with my baby. It was quieter than it had ever been, at least that is how I remember feeling it was. No one raised their voices, everyone was soft, gentle, and had a prayer in their heart. My baby sisters and brother came to say goodbye to the baby they had only known for a few short days... a few short hours really.
I feel as tired today as I did then. But today I won't lay down with a tiny little boy. Today I will take care of my own babies, my very own boy, and my very own little girls. I wonder if I feel tired because of the emotions and experiences this year has held, and especially in the last few weeks. Or if I am tired because I get to be a mom.
How did this time go so fast? How did it all change so quickly, and still continues to change? The unknown is still readily available in front of me. 12 years later and i have come to accept the fact that things are the way they are. That 12 years later, its ok to keep this sweet memory and sweet moments to myself. That its ok that I don't share details, or pictures, or experiences with my family. And its most definitely ok to be angry with them for experiences in the last 12 years. Part of grieving is doing so in layers, and I now grieve over my family, and what they will miss out on.
But 12 years later, I get to celebrate, love, and support, and shout that I DO NOT regret that decision to place that boy for adoption. I absolutely, 100%, with out a doubt know that he was not mine, and that he was always supposed to get to his mom and dad. I know that whatever the story, whatever the reason, that in the preexistence his parents, myself, and E sat together and discussed the moments that would bring us back together on earth. I know that we chose this, and I know that i did it to get him to them... for me or them... or him... I don't know... but I know it was RIGHT.
12 years later and he has been raised to be one incredible young man. He loves his family, loves his mom, serves, and is SO smart. He is more than I ever hoped he would be. He is everything he is because of his mom and dad. He has every opportunity to achieve his dreams. He has support, love, faith, and people who believe he CAN. He is super handsome. He is perfect.
I hope that the next 12 years he continues to go on the path he has been shown. That he continues to be the boy he is now. That he does what he wants, and achieves his dreams.
Thank you, E, for letting me be your birth mom. Thank you R & S, for the love and support always. And for letting me love your son, and your other babies, and your families! I am so lucky to have been blessed to have my family grow because of you three.
Happy Birthday on the 28th. Happy anniversary today. Keep going. Keep smiling.
I will keep loving you forever and ever.